We all have something to be sorry about. Why? Because we’re all human and we make mistakes. Furthermore, we often don’t know when we’ve offended somebody. Words come pouring from our mouths before we realize that they have an effect. Or a careless action affected someone close to you.

Listen - it happens. But the beauty of a well-placed apology is this: it can melt all the pain and hurt away. It can begin a brand new day. It can lighten the load for both parties:

Did you know there’s an author who has written about the technicalites of apologies? Even apologies can be broken down into a science!

The fascinating book On Apology, by Aaron Lazare begins with this paragraph:

“One of the most profound human interactions is the offering and accepting of apologies. Apologies have the power to heal humiliations and grudges, remove the desire for vengeance, and generate forgiveness on the part of the offended parties. For the offender they can diminish the fear of retaliation and relieve the guilt and shame that can grip the mind with a persistence and tenacity that are hard to ignore. The result of that apology process, ideally, is the reconciliation and restoration of broken relationships.”

A genuine and effective apology can reduce the pain of guilt and shame and help to resolve anger. Effective apology can create a satisfactory asymmetrical balance where genuine remorse is accepted as the only available compensation to offset an irreparable loss.

Apology restores the congruence between what we acknowledge to ourselves and what we acknowledge to others when we blame ourselves for their loss.

Definitions

1. A sincere acknowledgement of responsibility, wrongdoing, and regret.
2. Restoring power to the injured.
3. An encounter between two parties where the offender acknowledges responsibility for an offense or grievance and expresses regret or remorse to the aggrieved.

Root: Latin apologia, from Greek apologi? : apo- + logos, A speech in defense

Commonly used synonyms include: acknowledgment, admission, amends, atonement, concession, confession, defense, excuse, explanation, extenuation, justification, mea culpa, mitigation, plea, redress, reparation, and vindication. These are inexact substitutes because they each refer only to a portion of a full apology.

The Paradox of Apology

A genuine apology provides so much benefit with so little cost, it is surprising and unfortunate it is not more common. The decision to apologize is a tug-of-war between stubborn pride and guilt. Since guilt is authentic, and stubborn pride is not, it seems best to get on with the apology. Making a sincere apology is an act of courage, not a sign of weakness.

Many people are reluctant to apologize because they fear either humiliation or retaliation. This is unfortunate because most genuine apologies elicit gratitude as the response. Failing to apologize can be a costly dominance contest that prolongs bad feelings in a relationship that could have been easily avoided or foreshortened.

Elements of an Apology:

A successful apology includes each of these four elements:

• Accepting personal responsibility; acknowledge the specific offense and the pain it caused and clearly take personal and unconditional responsibility for the offense. Acknowledge directly to each of the injured parties your role in causing the damage and their suffering,
• Showing Remorse; humbly and sincerely describe the painful regret you feel for committing the offense. Look backward to express your regret. Then demonstrate forbearance by looking forward to describe the lessons you have learned and the changes you have made to ensure nothing like it will ever happen again.
• Offering an explanation; honestly, candidly, and simply describe why the offense happened. If it was inexcusable, simply say so.
• Making reparations; fully repair the loss if that is possible, otherwise ask: “Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?”

Michael J. Fox continues to be an inspiration to all of us, with his unbeatable attitude and tireless efforts put forth toward his cause and his disease, Parkinson’s Disease.

Michael J. Fox recently granted the wish of Gideon Strohaver, a 16-year-old from Michigan suffering from cystic fibrosis, by spending some quality time with him at the Central Park Zoo in NYC where they bonded over being “Incurable Optimists.”

Gideon caught Michael’s “The Incurable Optimist” special on television in his hospital and his teacher referred him to the Kids Wish Network in hopes Gideon could meet his hero Michael.

His wish came true and his family went on a special trip to NYC.  Gideon and Michael spent a day together at the zoo and Michael and his family were given tickets to the premiere screening of Shrek Forever After at the Tribeca Film Festival!

“He [Michael J. Fox] was so nice,” Gideon’s mother Kim said. “They just talked and talked as the zoo people kept bringing in animals for them to meet and pet. The one I think Michael and Gideon enjoyed most was the hissing cockroach. They both really enjoyed petting it and listening to it hiss.”

“He [Michael J. Fox] was just so sincere and so sweet. He even told us to call him Mike. He was just Gideon’s new friend, Mike,” she added. “It was a lot more than we ever expected. My daughter Olivia put it best when she said it was an ‘over the rainbow wish.’”

Source: OK!

It’s grey and chilly where I am today. A good day for being wrapped up in an old, comfy sweater and sipping tea. It’s also a good time to meditate on deeper thoughts. So for Positive Quote Wednesday, I’m offering up some sayings that make you say, “Hmmmm….”

The day was counting up its birds and never got the answer right.  ~Author Unknown

And upsidedown in the earth a dead man walks upon my soles when I walk.  ~Bill Knott, “(End) of Summer (1966)”

Night and morning are making promises to each other which neither will be able to keep.  ~Richard Shelton

I imagine that yes is the only living thing.  ~e.e. cummings

Ink smears, as thoughts sometimes do.  ~Terri Guillemets

Never mind.  The self is the least of it.  Let our scars fall in love.  ~Galway Kinnell

Her hearing was keener than his, and she heard silences he was unaware of.  ~D.M. Thomas

Silence moves faster when it’s going backward.  ~Jean Cocteau

We are asleep with compasses in our hands.  ~W.S. Merwin

If only I could leave everything as it is, without moving a single star or a single cloud.  Oh, if only I could!  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Sharp nostalgia, infinite and terrible, for what I already possess.  ~Juan Ramon Jimenez

[T]he departing world leaves behind… not an heir, but a pregnant widow.  ~Alexander Ivanovich Herzen, Other Shore

Two and two the mathematician continues to make four, in spite of the whine of the amateur for three, or the cry of the critic for five.  ~James McNeill Whistler, Whistler Versus Ruskin, 1878

We are never prepared for what we expect.  ~James A. Michener, Caravans

The universe is simmering down, like a giant stew left to cook for four billion years.  Sooner or later we won’t be able to tell the carrots from the onions.  ~Arthur Bloch<!–, in The World within the World by John D. Barrow, 1988, SS–>

As I was walking up the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today.
I wish, I wish he’d go away.
~Hugh Mearns

It has been said repeatedly that one can never, try as he will, get around to the front of the universe.  Man is destined to see only its far side, to realize nature only in retreat.  ~Loren Eiseley, “The Innocent Fox,” The Star Thrower, 1978

We have met the enemy and they are us!  ~Walt Kelly, Pogo, 1971

Our dream dashes itself against the great mystery like a wasp against a window pane.  Less merciful than man, God never opens the window.  ~Jules Renard, Journal, 1906

Fear is a cloak which old men huddle about their love, as if to keep it warm.  ~William Wordsworth

All that we know is nothing, we are merely crammed waste-paper baskets, unless we are in touch with that which laughs at all our knowing.  ~D.H. Lawrence, “Peace and War,” Pansies, 1929

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
~T.S. Eliot, 1943

The beginning of all wisdom is to look fixedly on clothes, or even with armed eyesight, till they become transparent.  ~Thomas Carlyle

This story gives new meaning to women reaching new heights…quite literally!

Congress is awarding the Congressional Gold Medal, the highest civilian honor, to members of the Women Airforce Service Pilots, a civilian branch of the Army Air Force. Fewer than 300 of the 1,100 survive. Relatives of those who have died or could not attend will also get medals.

When Jean Springer (above) joined, “it was kind of a lark,” she says. She had been taking flying lessons. “It was patriotic. And boring at home. I loved flying.”

The WASP was created to allow more male pilots to go to the war front.

Prohibited from flying in combat, the female pilots transported military personnel, towed targets for gunnery practice and shuttled planes from factories to bases.

They flew every military plane model flown in the war.

“Sometimes the guys who gave us weather predictions in the morning when we left weren’t particularly accurate,” Springer says. “In snowstorms, it was scary.”

Yet no military honors were granted to the 38 women who were killed during service to the program.

In December 1944, as the war was ending and male pilots were coming home, the program was disbanded.

“One day I came back from a flight,” says Doris Nathan, 93, of Kalamazoo, Mich. “And the commanding officer said, ‘I just got orders to tell you to get off the base by tomorrow morning.’ ”

Some of the women kept flying as instructors in Florida or bush pilots in Alaska, says Albert “Chig” Lewis, a Washington lawyer and founding member of Wingtip to Wingtip, an association that promotes the fliers’ legacy. His mother was a WASP. Others raised families and accepted that most of the nation didn’t know what they’d done.

The fliers were already trying to gain recognition as military veterans in 1976 when the Air Force announced that “for the first time ever” it would teach women to fly military airplanes, says Kate Landdeck, an associate professor of history at Texas Woman’s University who is writing a book about WASPs and their lives after the war.

“They realized their Air Force had forgotten about them,” Landdeck says.

In 1977, after a “huge effort in Congress” and with the help of Sen. Barry Goldwater, who had flown with WASPs during the war, the women were recognized as military personnel and given partial veterans benefits.

“They get to go to VA hospitals, and they get that flag on the coffin,” she says. “That’s the most important thing to them.” Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, a Texas Republican, co-sponsored the bill to honor the women with the medal.

“These women have yet to receive the recognition they deserve,” Hutchison says.

Source: USA Today

That’s right - after years of debating and in-house feuding, the United States of America has passed a healthcare reform:

The US House of Representatives has narrowly voted to pass a landmark healthcare reform bill at the heart of President Barack Obama’s agenda.

Under the legislation, health insurance will be extended to nearly all Americans, imposes new taxes on the wealthy and bars restrictive insurance practices such as refusing to cover people with pre-existing medical conditions.

They represent the biggest change in the US healthcare system since the creation in the 1960s of Medicare, the government-run scheme for Americans aged 65 or over.

President Barack Obama:

“It’s a victory for the American people.”

Damn straight.

President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and senior staff, react in the Roosevelt Room of the White House, as the House passes the health care reform bill, March 21, 2010. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

Source: BBC News

Here at Only Positive News, we want to create in our readers a more positive outlook organically. Surprisingly that can come about in some seemingly inauthentic ways. It’s an outside-in approach to positivity, often referred to as “fake it until you make it.”

Here’s an excerpt from a great article that scientifically proves you can make a difference simply by playing a role of happiness:

If social psychologists have proven anything during the last 30 years, they have proven that the actions we take leave a residue inside us. Every time we act, we amplify the underlying idea or tendency behind it. Most people presume the reverse: that our traits and attitudes affect our behavior. While this is true to a certain extent (though less so than commonly supposed), it is also true that our traits and attitudes follow our behavior. We are as likely to act ourselves into a new way of thinking as to think ourselves into a new way of acting.

There is a practical moral here for us all. Do we wish to change ourselves in some important way? Perhaps boost our self-esteem? Become more optimistic and socially assertive? Well, a potent strategy is to get up and start doing that very thing. Don’t worry that you don’t feel like it. Fake it. Pretend self-esteem. Feign optimism. Simulate outgoingness.

In experiments, people have been asked to write essays or present themselves to an interviewer in either self-enhancing or selfdeprecating ways. Those who act as if they are exceptionally intelligent, caring, and sensitive people later express higher self-esteem when privately describing themselves to a different researcher. This saying-becomes-believing effect is harnessed by therapy techniques (such as behavior therapy, rational-emotive therapy, and cognitive therapy), each of which prods the clients into practicing more positive talk and behavior.

Yes, telling people to act or talk positively sounds like telling people to be phony. But, as usually happens when we step into some new role–perhaps our first days “playing” parent, salesperson, or teacher–an amazing thing happens: The phoniness gradually subsides. We notice that our uncomfortable sense of being a parent, for instance, no longer feels forced. The new role–and the new behaviors and accompanying attitudes–have begun to fit us as comfortably as an old pair of blue jeans.

The moral: Going through the motions can trigger the emotions. Surely you’ve noticed. You’re in a testy mood, but when the phone rings you feign cheer while talking to a friend. Strangely, after hanging up, you no longer feel so grumpy. Such is the value of social occasions–they impel us to behave as if we were happy, which in fact helps free us from our unhappiness.

Granted, we can’t expect ourselves to become more upbeat and socially confident overnight. But rather than limply resign ourselves to our current traits and emotions, we can stretch ourselves, step by step. Rather than waiting until we feel like making those calls or reaching out to that person, we can begin. If we are too anxious, modest, or indifferent, we can pretend, trusting that before long the pretense will diminish as our actions ignite a spark inside–the spark that will lead to happiness.

Source: PreventDisease.com

Perhaps we inherently know this: when we feel happier and more content, our heart literally feels more at ease, as does the rest of our body. Conversely, when we’re stressed, we often feel the immediate effects physically. Now research proves our innate assumptions to be true:

Researchers in Europe discovered a unique independent relationship between positive emotions and coronary heart disease, for the first time ever. Appearing in the latest issue of the leading cardiology publication European Heart Journal, the study shows that happiness, content and enthusiasm are among the emotions that may be tied to a much better level of health, regardless of age and gender. The new, major review showed that happier people tend to experience a lot less hearth problems that those who spent less time laughing or feeling good.

According to scientists involved in the new observational investigation, the conclusions were produced only by looking at how people evolved over time. But the leader of the work, Dr Karina Davidson, an expert at the Columbia University Medical Center, says that the results could in the near future inform physicians on developing new approaches to safeguarding people from the risk of developing heart conditions. The scientist adds that more studies are needed on the issue, before medical recommendations can be given by experts without any risks

“We desperately need rigorous clinical trials in this area. If the trials support our findings, then these results will be incredibly important in describing specifically what clinicians and/or patients could do to improve health,” she explains. Davidson is the director of the CUMC Center for Behavioral Cardiovascular Health, as well as the Herbert Irving associate professor of medicine and psychiatry at the university. This latest study was conducted on 1,739 healthy adults, over a period of about ten years. All the 862 men and the 977 females in the investigation were a part of the 1995 Nova Scotia Health Survey, PhysOrg reports.

Source: Softpedia.com

It seems that we all feel some pangs of the winter blues. But SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is an even more profound psychological condition that can really wreak havoc for some in the winter months. While this condition is not fully understood by doctors, it’s thought to be related to the amounts of melatonin and serotonin in your body.

If you feel like you’re feeling SAD or just seem to be in a bit of a cold weather funk, here are few practical steps you can take:

Phototherapy:

Research shows that more than 80 percent of those treated with bright light exposure experience relief from their SAD-related symptoms. People who were exposed to bright (10,000 lux) fluorescent light for at least 30 minutes per day showed improvement in two days to four weeks.

Recent studies suggest that SAD sufferers can receive the same benefits by walking outdoors for an hour a day. Even on overcast days, natural sunlight provides enough light to help alleviate symptoms.

Exercise:

Several studies at Duke University suggest that exercise plays a key role in recovery from depression as well as prevention of relapse. Since SAD responds to the same treatments that have been successful in relieving other types of depression, the results of these studies are relevant.

In one study, researchers found that patients who engaged in brisk exercise for 30 minutes three times weekly were just as likely to experience a decrease in their depressive symptoms as patients who were treated with medication only. Researchers then followed participants for another six months, and found that those who exercised were unlikely to experience a relapse. Only 8 percent of the exercisers became depressed again. Patients who exercised and took medication relapsed at the rate of 31 percent, and those who took medication had a 38 percent relapse rate.

If you don’t already exercise regularly, try incorporating a brisk 30-minute walk into your day three times each week. In addition to mitigating depressive symptoms, this level of activity contributes to overall physical well-being, especially cardiovascular health.

Sources of Steps: author Dawn Williams

Okay, so I’m writing this from firsthand experience. I’m very ill with a flu. When I first realized I was coming down with it, I became very frustrated. I have work to do! I have people to see and places to be. This flu was going to cost me. (Little did I realize that that very attitude may have lead to my illness in the first place. We all try to squeeze so much into a day, that our immune system often pays a price.)

On the first day - the worst day - I realized I could do nothing. And I mean literally nothing. I tried to work but my focus was not there. I was too preoccupied by my own nagging physical discomfort. When I stopped trying to work, I realized that while I was sick, the day was mine, to do as I pleased. Of course, it was rather limited. I slept and read and sipped tea.

But the nice part? I never saw a day go by so slowly. The day ambled instead of feeling condensed and compressed. I had a chance to simply watch a day go by. Sounds like a crime in our day and age! We’re not supposed to watch a day go by! We’re supposed to be running, moving, shaking, doing.

So, though I was quite ill, it was one of the most relaxing days I’ve had in a while.

The next time you’re ill, think of it as a strange treat. An opportunity to watch a day go by. And remember, you can do that same thing when you’re not sick!

Here come the holidays, like a giant tidal wave. You can run but you cannot hide! Is there a way to navigate these life landmarks without feeling bowled over?

Sure. It requires simplifying. A few posts ago, we discussed the idea of not overdoing it with gifts this year and figuring out some alternative ways to give.

Since Thanksgiving is a few days away, what can you do to simplify?

1. Be genuinely thankful. Wake up in the morning and spend ten quiet minutes giving thanks for all that is going well in your life. Even if you’re experiencing an extremely challenging time, there are always things for which to give thanks. Think small. Be thankful for a good cup of coffee. A hot shower. A good, old movie that made you cry, The clean, crisp air.

2. Don’t overdo it. It’s become almost tradition to overdo it on the holidays - eating until we’re ready to burst. For the sake of others on this planet who have none, try not to stuff yourself to the gills. Respect your body’s limit. Take a break. Drink water. And wrap up every leftover. Give it to friends or charities who may need some extra. (I have some young college guys who live down the street - they’ll love the extra turkey this Friday!)

3. Make genuine connections. This one may be the hardest. Some of us don’t have “perfect” relations with our families so holidays can be trying and draining. This year, try to move past some of your internal walls. Listen to people with a little more care, extend yourself, be warm, be kind, be grateful for the ways they’ve contributed to your life. In short, give back!

Give back to yourself as well. One technique I’ve mastered? The holiday break! Go for a walk after dinner alone. Go sit with yourself in an empty room and breathe. Take a few minutes to read a book. Break from the pack and reconnect with yourself, even if its for a short period. (This one makes a big difference - trust me!)

Listen - the holidays can be beautiful times but they’re no walk in the park. Its up to you to change the unspoken rules and make them work for you. And it doesn’t take much.